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Commitment-Phobia: A Roadblock to Lasting Love

Updated: Apr 30

Love is a journey that takes us through different stages, each with its own set of challenges and rewards. However, what happens when one partner constantly hits the brakes and refuses to commit? This is where commitment phobia comes in, a pattern in relationships that can be both frustrating and devastating.

It's crucial to recognize this pattern and its impact on our emotional and mental health, as well as on our relationships. So, buckle up and join us on a thrilling ride as we explore the intricacies of love on the run!

Commitment Phobia as a Pattern

Commitment phobia, also known as relationship anxiety, is a pattern of behavior where an individual has a fear of making a long-term commitment in a romantic relationship. This fear can manifest in various ways, such as avoiding commitment altogether, hesitating to commit fully, or constantly questioning whether this relationship is right.

For someone who struggles with maintaining long-term relationships, it can feel like a car that keeps breaking down on a road trip. It can be frustrating, demoralizing, and exhausting. Sometimes it's better to take a step back and evaluate if it's worth the effort to continue the journey or get down.

Example: Kewal has been in several relationships over the past few years. At first, he is excited about the relationship and enjoys spending time with his partner. However, as the relationship progresses, he becomes increasingly anxious and starts to feel trapped.

He starts to nitpick at small things like how she chews her food or what she wears. Eventually, he finds a reason to break things off and move on. Kewal is now starting to wonder if he’ll ever be able to commit to someone long-term.

A common pattern in commitment phobia is self-sabotage, where an individual undermines their efforts to pursue a relationship. This can manifest as avoiding opportunities for commitment, creating excuses to break off relationships, or engaging in behavior that damages the relationship. No matter how much you try to change things, it can be hard to break this loop.

Example: Chanda has been in a relationship with Piyush for six months, and things are going well. However, she’s now behaving in ways that undermine the relationship such as canceling plans at the last minute or starting arguments over small things.

As the relationship becomes more serious, Chanda starts to feel suffocated and trapped. She starts to turn down his advances and or finds faults with him. Eventually, Piyush breaks up with her, leaving Mary feeling confused and hurt.

Each relationship has its unique characteristics, such as the personalities and experiences of the individuals involved. But they all require the basic elements of trust, communication, and respect to thrive. Recurring problems threaten the health and vitality of the relationship. Those in relationships must seek outside help, if required, or make behavioral changes to improve the relationship.

Exploring Reasons for Commitment Phobia

There can be several reasons why a person has a fear of commitment or a reluctance to enter into a long-term relationship. In some cases, commitment phobia may also be linked to underlying mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression.

Some causes of commitment phobia are:

1. Childhood Experiences and Attachment Style

Attachment style refers to the way individuals form and maintain relationships based on their childhood experiences with caregivers. In particular, a person's early experiences with attachment figures can shape their perception of relationships and influence their ability to commit to others in adulthood.


  • Abusive Childhood: A child experiences physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from their caregivers. This can lead to a disorganized attachment style in which the individual struggles with trust, intimacy, and emotional regulation.

  • Separation in Childhood: A child experiences a significant separation from their caregiver, such as through divorce or the death of a parent. This can lead to an insecure attachment style in which the individual struggles with trust and may have difficulty forming close relationships.

You can learn more about Attachment style here: How do Attachment Styles develop in Early Life?

2. Trauma or Heartbreak

Trauma or heartbreak in previous relationships can become a cause of commitment phobia as a pattern because it can lead to a fear of vulnerability, getting hurt, and being rejected. These fears can prevent an individual from forming deep, meaningful relationships with others and can make them hesitant to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage.


  • Infidelity: One partner cheats on the other, causing the betrayed partner to feel devastated, hurt, and betrayed. They may struggle with trust issues in future relationships.

  • Verbal or Emotional Abuse: One partner uses hurtful words, manipulation, or other forms of emotional abuse against the other, causing the victim to feel emotionally traumatized and unable to trust others.

3. Personal Beliefs and Values

These factors can create expectations and fears about what a relationship should look like, and what commitments are necessary to maintain it. When an individual's personal beliefs and values about relationships are rigid or unrealistic, they may struggle to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage.


  • Commitment and Intimacy: An individual values commitment and emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship. They believe that it is important to prioritize quality time and connection with their partner.

  • Monogamy: An individual believes in monogamy and is not comfortable with open relationships or non-monogamous arrangements.

4. Cultural and Societal Pressures

They refer to the expectations, norms, and values that exist within a particular society or culture and can arise from a variety of sources, including family, friends, media, religion, and social institutions such as schools and workplaces. These pressures can be both explicit and implicit and can influence various aspects of an individual's life, including their behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and even their sense of identity.


  • Heteronormativity: Society can enforce heteronormativity, the assumption that heterosexuality is the only acceptable sexual orientation, which can make it difficult for LGBTQ+ individuals to express their identity and form relationships.

  • Social Media: Social media can create pressure to present a certain image of oneself and one's relationship, which can be difficult to maintain and may contribute to unrealistic expectations.

Impact on Relationships

Those who struggle with commitment phobia may experience feelings of anxiety, fear, and reluctance when it comes to making plans with their partner. Over time, it can erode trust, communication, and intimacy, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. Understanding it is important to develop strategies for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Scenario: Tara and Amit have been together for a year, but they frequently argue and struggle to communicate effectively. Every time they disagree, it turns into a full-blown argument that leaves both of them feeling upset and frustrated.

Tara: "Amit, we need to talk about what happened last night. I don't want to keep having these fights every day."

Amit: "Me, too. So, what do you have in mind?"

Tara: "Maybe we need to work on our communication skills or find ways to de-escalate when we start to feel tense."

Amit: "That's a good idea. But honestly, sometimes I wonder if we're just not meant to be together. Maybe we're just not compatible."

Tara: "What do you mean?"

Amit: "I mean, if we're always arguing and struggling to get along, maybe it's a sign that we're not meant to be in a committed relationship."

Synopsis: Amit's repeated experiences of tension and conflict with Tara have caused him to become fearful of committing to a long-term relationship. He is beginning to doubt whether they're compatible. Tara recognizes the need to work on their communication and de-escalation skills, which could help them break the cycle of tension and conflict and build a stronger relationship.

Let us dive deeper to understand why relationships suffer from commitment issues:

  • Repeated cycles of tension and conflict in relationships can contribute to commitment phobia as a pattern by creating a sense of anxiety and fear around long-term commitments. In such a situation, a person may begin to associate commitment with stress and negativity, which can make it difficult for them to form lasting relationships.

  • Commitment phobia is often rooted in a fear of emotional intimacy, which can be influenced by several factors, including emotional distancing or attachment issues. Emotional distancing refers to a tendency to avoid getting too close to people, while attachment issues can result from childhood experiences that impact one's ability to form secure emotional connections with others.

  • Difficulty building trust and intimacy can be a significant cause of commitment phobia as a pattern. This can be due to a variety of factors, such as past experiences with broken relationships or trauma, which can impact one's ability to trust and form deep emotional connections with others.

  • Feeling stuck or unfulfilled in relationships can be a frustrating and challenging experience. It can leave one feeling trapped, unmotivated, and unfulfilled. Sometimes, it can lead to a pattern of commitment phobia. When people feel like they are not evolving in their relationships, they may struggle to commit to a long-term partnership.

  • Commitment phobia is a fear to commit to a romantic relationship or other important aspects of life such as career, friendship, or personal goals. This fear can hurt one's self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. Commitment phobia often stems from past experiences, childhood traumas, low self-esteem, and fear of rejection or abandonment.

Breaking the Cycle of Commitment Phobia

Commitment phobia can be a frustrating and confusing pattern of behavior, leaving many people feeling lonely, unfulfilled, and stuck. But breaking free from this cycle is possible. It's time to explore the root causes of commitment phobia and provide practical strategies to help you overcome this self-sabotaging behavior.

To identify the commitment phobia pattern and its underlying causes, it's important to pay attention to the person's behavior and communication. It requires patience, curiosity, and empathy to understand this pattern. Gradually, you can begin to address it and work towards building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. These are some ways that can help you to break the cycle of commitment phobia:

Seeking Individual Therapy: Samaira is a 28-year-old woman who has never been in a long-term relationship. She consistently avoids commitment and tends to break things off before they get too serious. Through counseling sessions, it is discovered that Samaira has a fear of being abandoned, which causes her to avoid commitment. She also has a fear of losing her independence and becoming too dependent on a partner.

Seeking therapy or counseling can be a way to work through fears and trauma. It's like having a guide to help you navigate the treacherous terrain of your emotions. A therapist can help you identify the root of your commitment phobia, whether it's past trauma, a fear of abandonment, or something else entirely.

Seeking Couples Therapy: Govind and Vrinda seek therapy to work through Govind’s commitment phobia. The therapist helps the couple identify the impact of the commitment phobia on their relationship and provides strategies to help Vrinda work through Govind’s fears. The therapist also helps the couple better communication and relationship skills to build a stronger bond.

By challenging negative beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors, you can begin to overcome commitment phobia and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. But to do so, one must start by examining the evidence for them. Thereafter, try to identify the underlying emotions that are driving your commitment phobia.

Challenging Self-sabotaging Behavior: Raman is overspending on unnecessary items. Raman is challenging this behavior by creating a budget and tracking his spending. He's identifying areas where he can cut back to meet long-term financial goals. He's also seeking the help of a financial planner.

Commitment phobia is often rooted in fear of vulnerability and emotional intimacy. By developing emotional intelligence and communication skills, individuals can increase their comfort with vulnerability and intimacy, which are necessary for building deep and meaningful relationships. Building emotional intelligence and communication skills can help break the cycle of commitment phobia.

Practicing Active Listening and Self-awareness: To improve his relationship with Avni, Pratap has been prepping his interpersonal skills, developing proper eye contact, and asking more questions. He's also paying attention to his emotional triggers, patterns, and tendencies.

One way to break commitment phobia is to learn to trust and build intimacy slowly. This involves taking the time to get to know the other person, allowing the relationship to develop gradually, and building trust over time.

Building Trust and Practice Vulnerability: Trust is an essential component of any healthy relationship. Tripti has been taking small steps to build trust, such as being reliable, keeping promises, and being open and honest. She is also trying to open up and share her innermost thoughts and feelings with Gaurav.


Relationships may find it difficult to deal with commitment phobia because it can cause dread and uncertainty about the future. It's crucial to keep in mind, though, that relationships can always stand to improve and develop. To transform for the better, one must invest time, energy, and commitment.

Stay optimistic and keep in mind that change is always a possibility. Know that every action you take is a step towards establishing the loving and satisfying relationship you deserve, whether you decide to seek professional assistance, focus on increasing trust and intimacy in your relationship, or just approach things day by day.

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