Have you ever wondered if other people are going through similar experiences as yours?
Maybe it’s a toxic relationship that you are stuck in and can’t get a way to get out of it.
Maybe it’s a bad breakup that you went through where your partner moved on so quickly while you were still processing the hurt.
Maybe you couldn’t find a way to express yourself so openly while you saw other people doing it so comfortably.
Maybe you didn’t want to expose your deepest darkest thoughts because you were afraid people will leave you once they truly know you.
It can sometimes feel so strange or embarrassing to experience these emotions especially when you believe no one feels as you do.
we asked our audience some questions and this is what they have to say:
Do you like Dating Apps?
The majority of people claim that dating in modern life is disappointing. There are not only concerns regarding finding a good match but also about safety.
Some people wrote to us expressing their feelings regarding today’s dating and dating apps in general:
“It’s honestly scary. Half the time you don’t even know if you’re genuinely talking to the same person that is in the profile.”
“I found a guy on tinder and we have been dating for 2 years now.”
“I think dating apps only work for people looking for casual relationships and it’s really hard to find something serious.”
“I don’t know how people find their soulmates on dating apps when I can’t even find a single good match”
“It’s easier for girls to find good matches. A friend of mine showed me her bumble and her profile was filled with matches while I only got one”
A lot of people also report experiencing ghosting, catfishing, receiving unwanted explicit pictures, or sharing private pictures of someone without consent.
While it’s hard to overlook these things, dating apps have also made it easier for so many people to connect and put themselves out there. Especially during the lockdown when covid was at its peak, people relied on dating apps to find someone new to talk to.
It has also helped people belonging to the LGBTQIA+ community to find good connections.
Although, it is okay to have conflicting thoughts regarding modern dating especially when it puts a lot of pressure on you to act a certain way.
Explore what your expectations are from dating apps or dating in general and create those boundaries from the get-go.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Another common term in modern dating is “GHOSTING.” It is referred to as the act of disappearing or cutting off contact with someone without giving any explanation for it. It is more common in the initial phases of the bond.
The person who has been ghosted feels a sudden state of shock and confusion where they can’t really comprehend what has happened.
It can leave you with poor self-esteem and thoughts like “They didn’t want to date me but they didn’t even think I am worthy of an explanation” but ghosting says more about the person than the person who has been ghosted.
Since you weren’t given any explanation, you try to fill the gap yourself with thoughts like “What did I do?”, “Maybe he is just busy and would get back to me later, I am just thinking too much”, “Was my tone off in the last conversation?” etc.
You keep trying to find closure but it wouldn’t come from asking questions like this or beating yourself up for something that you didn’t even do.
Here are some possible explanations for “Why do people ghost?”
The Easy Way Out: They find it easier to ghost someone than to confront them by telling them the reason for not maintaining contact further. They don’t want to deal with somebody’s hurt feelings so they simply ghost them hoping that the hint is delivered.
Crossing Boundaries: If somebody finds the conversation off-putting or undesirable or if they see the conversation is headed in a direction that is making them uncomfortable or if they find that the other person is not even taking consent before making an action that is directed towards them, they are more likely to end the conversation without giving any reasons if it’s the initial phases of the relationship.
This is why it is important to establish boundaries and give the other person a chance to do the same from the get-go so that the picture doesn’t get blurry.
Who recovers from a breakup fast?
Every individual is different and takes his or her own time to move on from a relationship but a study by researchers of Binghamton University (interviewing more than 5000 people from 96 countries) suggests that women get slightly more affected by a breakup emotionally and physically.
The researchers explained how biology plays a role in this situation and suggested that women have more to lose when it comes to mating and therefore are more invested physically as well as emotionally which is why it tends to hurt them more.
However, that is not to say that all men move on faster from a relationship or that all women take more time to move on.
The research also speculated that women tend to recover more fully as they allow themselves to process their feelings and try to understand what they want from their future partners.
Whereas Men are less likely to channel their emotions or come to any personal realizations, the study reflected.
The research further indicated that men take more time to move on than women, sometimes even more than a year. Men may resort to passive aggression to vent out their feelings which can be in the form of violence, drug abuse, or alcohol.
But this is only conjecture based on sexes, evolution, and research. This may not apply in all cases as people have different attachment styles and everybody invests in a relationship differently.
Why are toxic relationships so hard to exit/leave?
It is important to understand that nobody enters a relationship hoping for it to be toxic. The psychological abuse is very gradual. It starts with subtle incidents, often confusing us about whether it’s acceptable or not.
Slowly, the negative behavior occurs often and becomes harsher. We begin to undermine ourselves and lose confidence.
As emotional abuse continues to confuse our boundaries, we feel irrational to stand up for ourselves even when something seems wrong.
Without even realizing it, the abuse weakens your trust in yourself and your capacity to walk away from the relationship.
In the majority of cases, people stay because they hope it’ll get better and they don’t want to call their investment in the other person waste of time.
Since many toxic relationships start on a good note, you tend to hold on to that hope that things will be good again but it isn’t likely if they haven’t changed after a lot of discussions and heart-to-heart communications.
It can be hard and tiring to invest as well as to decide to leave but moving on is the best bet if the nature of the relationship has turned abusive.
Do you wear a mask when it comes to expressing yourself?
Another thing that might affect the relationship badly is bottling up emotions. Opening up and communicating your needs doesn’t come naturally to everyone but this can distance you from your partner.
There can be several reasons why people mask their true emotions. Some of them are:
Not to hurt, not to get hurt
You want to save your relationship so you tend to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings so that you can avoid triggering a conflict.
Heated arguments can be painful especially when you don’t know how to deal with them.
Even if your intention is pure, hiding your emotions does the exact opposite of saving your relationship.
When you hide your feelings about an incident, you tend to get negative or resentful toward your partner and you hit your saturation sooner or later.
This can lead to an outburst from your end which might be overwhelming to deal with or come off as a shock for your partner.
And even if you manage to hide your emotions perfectly well, your partner might get a sense that “something is wrong” which can create doubts about your relationship.
Vulnerable and Weak seem Synonymous
Opening up to someone exposes you and your vulnerabilities in front of them which can feel scary to some people.
You might feel like you would get judged for opening up or they might start seeing you in a different light.
It can also come from a place of protecting yourself especially if people in your past weren’t mindful and trustworthy of your emotions.
It might also seem like a weakness to be vulnerable as people can have the power to use it against you.
While your reasons for not opening up are completely valid, they can put a strain on your mental health as filtering your emotions can be exhausting.
It can help you to express yourself if you learn to communicate your needs effectively and know how to handle uncomfortable conversations like a pro.
https://www.lostalittle.com/post/effective-communication-key-to-a-better-relationship
Have you ever taken therapy? If yes, how was your experience?
Taking couple therapy can help to understand each other more on a deeper intimate level. Therapists are trained to notice patterns and attachment styles by getting to know the couple’s history individually.
This can help the couples to work on their relationship and understand why is there a disconnect in the relationship.
The stigma surrounding therapy doesn’t allow people to consider taking it. Especially, if their previous experience hasn’t been good, they further run away from the concept of therapy but you would be surprised to know that about 75% of people who enter psychotherapy show some benefit from it according to research.
There's also a stigma on counseling that only people who are "crazy" take therapy but anyone looking to maintain good mental health is welcome in therapy.
It can also be daunting for people to ask for help as they think the reason why they need help is that they can't handle the situation by their own selves but they forget that it takes courage to even realize and ask for help for your betterment.
Even in therapy, a counselor isn't trained to take away your pains. You have to put the effort to work on yourself but a therapist can tell you effective ways to do it.
People also feel that therapy wouldn't be effective or would just simply not work. While you're already dealing with a spectrum of emotions, fear of failure can be frightening and can take you further away from the thought of taking therapy.
If you see that your partner needs therapy but keeps avoiding it, try not to force them into therapy.
Instead, sensitize them to the idea of therapy slowly and gradually so they might consider taking therapy in the future.